An individual does not get cancer,
a family does.

New mom to Oliver; born 03/03/2014. Engaged to his daddy, Michael, as of my first mother's day: 05/11/2014. Diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called liposarcoma on 04/21/2014 after surgery that was supposed to involve removing a benign tumor; surprise! Not benign. This is my life, my daily struggle. I try to tag things involving my treatment or cancer in general with the following: cancer, chemo, chemotherapy. I talk about it a lot so if that bothers you, you know what to blacklist or whatever. When I'm feeling up to it, I try to mix in some pretty pictures in my queue.

I complain a lot.

I'm not always all that predictable. So here you go. Take your warning and run.

Used to be impulseswild.
10:36 He will be 5 months old on August 3. He isn’t chubby by any means. I think at his 4 month checkup he was in the 15 to 25th percentile for his weight. I’m just worried he isn’t getting enough food since he seems to be eating so much. Michael thinks it is a growth spurt. I’m going to give it a little while then we are calling a doctor if it keeps up. I want my little man to grow like he should and not always be hungry! Even if it means giving him the dreaded cereal (I never wanted to give him it).
Oliver: time for cereal or cutting a tooth? =\

He’s been eating a lot more. I know that usually they won’t want to eat but I feel like formula is different, that it helps soothe it, plus he chews on the nipple like it is a teether sometimes. He constantly will scream and scream and the only thing that calms him down is a bottle. He won’t be showing signs of rooting or whatever, just screams. But if he sees his baba or feels it in his mouth, he calms down.

Also he went from only needing 4oz a feeding to often needing 6oz and sometimes 8oz. Not all at once, sometimes he will have 4 then demand 2 an hour later, 2 more an hour later, then in 2 hours or 3 he wants to start over. It is hard to keep track of when he eats now, or how much. But he still isn’t chunky and he spits up after almost every feeding. Sometimes a tiny amount, sometimes not so much and it hits the floor and whoever is holding him. Don’t know if this is related.

He was sleeping through the night. Sometimes it’d be a struggle to get him to sleep but once he was out, he was out and he’d sleep through the night until anywhere from 5:30am-8:30am depending on when he fell asleep or just the night. But lately he starts these whining and crying fits in his sleep. They sound like he is in pain or something. It can be hard to tell if he is sleeping or if he is awake. I usually have to lay there and let him cry a bit to determine if it is worth waking my mom. Sometimes they have stopped right away and he was just sleeping. The last two nights, nope. They don’t stop. Tonight’s woke my mom up without me. He has gotten 4oz twice tonight and isn’t even asleep But she laid him down in hopes he will fall asleep and not need another 2oz. It is getting frustrating.

I don’t mind waking up. I can survive. But it is hard on my mom and I need her help. And I don’t want him to be in pain. I don’t know. He’s been drooling a lot for a couple months now. His drool keeps increasing I swear. Everything goes into the mouth but I know that’s normal.

ETA: his bottom gums are hard and Michael and I think we can see white. Different than his top gums that are softer and pink.

Your best guess, does he need to be started on cereal (ugh), or do you think soon he will be cutting a tooth (poor baby)?

She blew me off again.

"Work is running late". And then she is happy about it because more money. But yeah, hi, hello, remember me the one you had plans with?! Pisses me off so damn much!

18:40"Do not mock a pain that you haven’t endured." — Unknown

(Source: rocknrollbabydoll, via soiledsocks)



She said, “the problem is we have to find someone just as fucked up as we are. Because you can’t explain going to hell and back to someone who has never felt the flames.”

(via ahistoryofwolfcraft)

16:00"Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don’t do that by sitting around wondering about yourself." — Katharine Hepburn

(Source: misswallflower)

In other news, I’m a horrible person.

I keep wanting to use my cancer to my advantage and expect people to be okay with it because, well, I have cancer. Like when my mom complains about her leg pain or being tired I say I’m in pain/tired too and it is worse because of my cancer. But the really horrible thing right now is I keep getting pissed that my best friend has plans. I’ve tried two or three times now to get her to hang out and she says no. Once she was too lazy and depressed, the last two which were today and yesterday, she’s had plans. Yet I basically expect her to drop everything and hang out with me because I have cancer and am more important than her exes or that 18 year old boy that’s no good for her. All I want to do is like stomp my foot and be like “but I have cancer, hang out with me instead”. I haven’t said this to her but I want to. Am I disgusting? =\

I think I’m just frustrated because she kept forgetting that we hang out Mondays and then is always busy other days when I want to hang out. She is back to having time for everyone else. Only this time I have cancer and I want to do things and see certain people as much as possible before it is maybe too late yet she isn’t cooperating. I don’t know.

Great. Poor thing.

People I know got their kid a sugar glider. I KNOW he/she isn’t being cared for properly. Plus, don’t they need to be in pairs? They’re already fucking up if that’s the case. And I’m sure the cage is small. They’ve already had a leopard gecko that their daughter got rid of once she got pregnant. So now they got their son a sugar glider. I cannot stand people like that. Pets are not toys!!!

These are the same people that let their kids cry it out for 1.5 hours when they were 3 months old. Ugh.

Saw a big gold and blue macaw on TV.

Oh how I’d love one but I’m smart and won’t get one because I know I couldn’t give him the care he’d need. And he’d have to be spoiled. His own room, the biggest cage I could find or have made, just spoiled. If one day I can do that and afford one, I would go for it. But I doubt it. But at least I’m not another dumbass who goes and gets one anyway.