It is official. I have cancer.
I don’t have any fucking tissues, my mom is bringing some tomorrow. I just felt so congested I had to give in and pick my fucking nose. It was gross and no surprise I couldn’t breathe. So I smeared it all on a card for out patient phamarcy. Oh well. I give up on having shame. I’m not allowed dignity. I have to beg for pain meds, getting no where at night. I can’t move on my my own at all. Takes me forever to text because I make so many mistakes. They keep shoving stool softeners down my throat so my worst nightmare of having to use a bed pan is bound to happen. This just sucks so much and now it is no where near over with. Oh and I smell. They have to give me wipe baths. An attractive male gave me my first but all he did was my face and arms. The wipes were hot which did not help. I refused to brush my teeth because I was eating soon at that point. Then the “I stick to the book and won’t do what’s best for my patient” nurse offered to “freshen” me up as well but I don’t see the point. Maybe later on today when I’m back to a better nurse. And pain pills.
Michael has to bring Oliver up tomorrow (if the hospital allows) because naturally our babysitter (his sister) is suddenly having stomach problems. Fantastic. Because we don’t have enough shit going on! His other sister has to work. I’m tempted to give in and let my parents take him. I think Michael is off this upcoming night. I need him here. Oliver can’t stay. Even if he could, it’ll be hard enough seeing him later and not being able to hold and cuddle him.
I’ve barely been pumping. I’m not getting comfy and well, if I need Chemo or radiation, I won’t be able to continue anyway. I don’t know. I need to know more of what’s going on. I need to be reassured that they can fix me and I can raise my son. Please.
She’d do what should could to make me pain free despite how recently I had something. She listened to me. The surgeon said as far as he was concerned I could have much more. I need more! 2 percocets is not enough. I’m still at like a 9. But this nurse won’t listen to me! She wouldn’t give me ambien last night until Michael spoke up. I need him here. :( I need more pain meds.
Oh and I was just told it wasn’t benign. Fuck. Fuck everything. This isn’t fair.
Took 1.5 ambien and 2 percocet. Now I will sleep. Alarm set for 4:15am so I can shower and finish packing. Then I’m assuming we will be leaving at 5:15am to be there for 5:45am. Eep.
Calm thoughts. Calm, happy thoughts. Everything is going to be okay and all pain that is coming my way will pass. It is will all pass and I will be tumor free.
No more ice. D:
I want more ice. Wah.
Running out of time for my ice though so I will sit at the table and eat that until midnight, then hopefully I can quickly throw the rest of my stuff together and lay down for four hours.
PJ pants, big t-shirt, underwear, sports bra.
Conditioner, baby wash/shampoo instead of my big body wash, razor, toothpaste, toothbrush will come after I brush my teeth.
Earplugs, couple hair ties.
Wallet with insurance/ID/medication list.
A nice pen.
I don’t know what else. Charger gets added before I go. I will probably bring my own pillow and a blanket. Just have Meerkat keep those in his car until I’m in recovery. I’m debating on bringing my pump. I should pump before I even go to bed. Meh. I can do that while I finish my ice. Then hope I don’t crave it too bad after midnight when I’m still up for a bit lol. Other than that…
I just put on lotion without thinking. I had to close it so it can be in my bag, and when you close it some squirt out. Started putting it on and went, “oh shit!” Ha. Oops.
Before I even got to washing myself with that soap. Oops. The soap was weird. It was all liquid. Took a lot to get it to suds up. And it was strong. They said not to use it on your face because it can cause irritation. So I didn’t but as soon as I put it on my chest, the scent or something, I don’t know, went straight onto my face and in my eyes. Ick. Wasn’t as bad as actually getting soap in your eyes but I can see how it’d be too much for the face. Smells weird too. Not horrible. Just weird.
50 more minutes to eat and drink. Not hungry at all, sure I will be right after midnight though. I just want more lemonade and ice. Have to get dressed first. Trying to catch my breath and stuff.
I ate some. Had some ice since I can’t have any after midnight and until who knows when. :(
Dragging myself into the shower now. Seriously hate that I have to take two showers. They’re fucking exhausting for me. And to have them so close together. Stupid prepping. Being all paranoid. Ugh.
Then I will pack my hospital bag and have more ice. Maybe more food. And write out my medications. Still don’t know what to put in my bag.